Dress up for chemo!

I think I was looking forward to the chemo, partly because I really want to get this over with and partly because I want to get better! And most importantly, I got a card/gift in my mailbox two weeks in a roll right before my chemo. I think my army of fighters at work are also looking forward to seeing me going back to the battle field. Chemo right now is my weapon to fight. If I could conquer each chemo, I can win this war! Big thanks to my supporters! Your words of encouragement, prayers, flowers, cards, gifts, the delicious food are all transformed into some forms of weapons that give me strength for the fight!

So I dressed up for my third chem today. I did not give much thought about it actually. I simply unconsciously dressed up- not much on the clothese, but somehow it must showed on my face. When the nurse called me in, she stopped and gave me a second look and said "Wow! It is so nice to see someone dressed up for chemo! Thank you so much!". I was like "Wow! I did not think anyone would notice. I guess I will dress up for every chemo from now on!".

This photo does not show my high heel sandals and pendicured toe nails:) -
something I can't wear to work because my job as a chemist requires me to wear toe and heel covered shoes and long pants

Mayo Clinic does 120 to 150 chemos a day. I shared a room with five other patients- young, old, male and female. We all have our own comfy chairs. We all on our own course and schedule. So we don't have the same six people in the room at all times. The ones finished would leave and be replaced with new ones. It was a quite busy operation. If we choose, we could have our own TV monitor to watch TV. Volunteers come and go to bring free food and drinks. We all have one compaion, either a spouse, child, parent or friend. Toby was with me today because Bert had to take Anna to State Swim Championship Meet in Saginaw. Two nurses took care of us.

All the people in the room were very quiet when I walked in. Most don't have hair, wearing either nothing or scarves. Somehow the conversations I had with the nurse gave me a very good mood. So I was walking in with full head of "hair" and a big smile on my face. I did not feel I did not fit in. On the contrary, I felt I am just one of them. "Good morning, everyone!" I said in my heart quietly without wanting to disturb the quietness, but I think it showed on my face. Suddenly the old man on my left and his wife and a man of my age on my right and his daughter smiled to me. "It is a good day to have chemo today." I said referring to the beautiful weather outside. They all agreed and we talked about weather for a while. We all sensitive enough not to touch the topic why we were there, not need too. But I did learn this was the last chemo from the man on my right. We talked and joked about graduation pin and whined a little that there was no red carpet or ringing bells for end of chemo celebration at this center. I was happy to see and know these people don't want to be sad or quiet. They just follow the flow. They want to make this a happy experience too.

In order for the two nurses in the room to take care all six patients, all of our machines have beeps if something is not right or need attention. If the two nurses are busy, other nurses in the area will come. The beep never had to sound more than a second before someone showed up to help. The only problem is that all the beeps are the same tone/sound. It is hard for the patients to know if the beeps are from their own machine or others. I think I should patent different tone/sounds for these machines. I could make some money and make these chemo patients to have their own tons uploaded from their favor songs or pets. As silly as I am as you all know, I could not stop joking about this. I called these beeps "music in our ears" - "here comes the music in our ears again, whose is it?" I started a guessing game. At least the two men on each side of me laughed and participated. Nurses were smiling too!

I got the most beeps today. Somehow, my pump kept stopping. When it stopped and beeped, it hurt. A lady in her last phase of chemo replaced the man on my left told me she had same problems with Taxol too. But we still managed to finished all may the chemo in two hours!

Blood work before the chemo was still good. I started to eat more red meat to boost my red blood cells. I think it worked. My red blood cell goes back up. My white blood counts continue going down but sll is expected.

Subject of hair again - why it is so important

I think hair is important subject because hair loss is an obvious sign of chemotherapy which related to cancer. For women with breast cancer, losing breasts is a big deal. On top of that, losing hair, another femamine symbol, makes the loss seem to be doubled.
I said before that I am not afraid to lose my hair. I think I am fully prepared and determined to wear a wig for next 9 months!! I really like my wig. I used to spend 30-40 minutes doing my hair every morning. Now my 5 minute shower is done in 3 minutes and my hairdo takes a second! I think I can get used to this Practically, I am not sure it is possible. I am sure at some point, I will simply wear a scarf or hat or have a photographer taking photo of me without hair. But for now I enjoy my wig! More wigs are on my Christmas wish list:).

My hair started to come off as predicted right between my 2nd and 3rd chemo. It came off in handful and chucks. It was time to do something about it. Cutting hair in my household is my job. I tried to do it myself, but it was impossible. My dear husband had never used a buzzer before. As sweet as he is, he took on the task. He shaved my head while my two girls were watching! He could not stop saying "No matter what I do, you just look great". My girls approve too. I don't intend to show anyone outside my household my bald head. Therefore, I don't want anyone else to shave their heads including my boys and my husband. Life should be as normal as it can be.

After the shave, I told Bert "I am going upstair to take a shower and wash my hair". He replied "You mean wash your head?"....Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Who would not love this guy!

Sorry no photos. I don't have the courage yet...but someday, I will upload photos...it will come...someday...

Hair and kids

I have always treated my boys as adults. After all, they are now 19 and 21 years old. My oldest son Toby actually took me to the first doctor appointment after I found the lump. In part, it was because I was in such a hurry that I forgot my car was in the shop and it was just easier to have him driving me and also I was too nervous to drive. Somehow I knew the lump I found couldn't be good. I wish I had more frequent self exams. You really can't blame me though. After ten years of routine mammograms that found nothing and have no family history of breast cancer, I nearly gave up screening altogether. I thought the pain of going through mammogram wasn't worth it. Had I had any suspicion if I could have breast cancer, I would have done more diligent job of self examining.

Anyway, back to the topic, my boys are older enough to understand the chemo can lead to hair loss. Their reaction to the situation was "when should we shave our heads". I was moved by their gesture, but I did not think it would be necessary. If I were a little kid, I would probably feel sad that I would look different. At my age, I have enough self confidence to deal with a bald head. Secretly speaking,  I am looking forward to wear a wig. It just nicer and easier to do my hair every day!

However the news about hair loss and cancer to my daughters (11 and 12 years old) had different reaction. We did not use the "C" words in our earlier discussion. In our family, everyone knows each other so well. It was hard to hide anything, even from little kids. They know something was not right when Mom suddenly had to skip work and see doctors when she seems to be perfectly fine. So we told them that Mom had something on her breast that need to be removed. She would have to take some medicine and have a surgery. Jenny (11) was a very practical about the whole thing. She asked "how many times a person can surgery?". "If Mom has surgery, do we still need a babysitter this summer?". Anna (12), on the hand, asked tons of questions of why, how and what if which led to the discussion that Mom may lose her hair. That did not go very well with either of them. They insisted that losing hair is not an option! "Take a different medicine!", they demanded. We put off that topic for a while.

On Friday 6, after my first chemo, I was told that I might lose my hair between the 2nd and 3rd week of chemo. We had to race with time to get my girls comfortable with my hair loss. I purchased a wig at Mayo before we came home. On that evening, we had a family meeting. I started the meeting by wearing my new wig. My girls did not notice I had a fake hair at all. Joshua had to take a second look after he gave me a hug. Toby, as honest as he is, kept asking how everyone likes mom's new hair. That brought so many laughters and giggles back to our household! At the meeting, we told the whole truth about the situation including using the "C" word to the girls. Thanks to Mayo Clinic social workers who had prepared us some booklets for the girls. I thought things went well except my girls still did not like the idea of hair loss!

So we decided as a family that I should have my hair cut short just to see how I look like. My girls and I had hair cut together the next morning. They had their hair trimmed and I had my hair cut very short. My girls actually love my hair cut. Since then, I have been wearing my hair the way it is at home and wearing a wig at work. I know some close friends at work realized that I had a wig on, but I don't think most people knew or cared - mission accomplished! I don't want my cancer to be in front everyone's face at work. The only reason I want people to know about my cancer is for them to tell their wives, girl friends, daughters, sisters, aunts, mothers....that check their breast routinely for earlier breast cancer detection! Of course, I also need my friends and coworkers to join the fight with me. I can't do this alone. I need my army of supporters! Putting these reasons aside, I want to be normal at work. So far so good. I am able to work 4 days a week last week and put more than 40 hours (not counting checking emails remotely)!

I am so glad we deal with this hair issue up front. My girls now can openly joke about my hair and even play with my wig. I think I am going to buy a some more. Maybe some pink, some purple or some blue color ones:)... definitely some shorter or different style ones. What do you think?

Anna with her natural hair

Anna with my wig - I can't believe how close the colors are

2nd Chemo - piece of cake?

Thank you my friends for your thoughts and prayers. My second chemo is much easier than I had anticipated. I got less Benadryl so I felt less drowsy. My blood test prior to the chemo showed that everything is decreased, but most of them are still in the normal range except Hemoglobin decreased from 13.3 g/dL to 11.8 g/dL and Monocytes from 0.30x10^9/L to 0.25x10^9/L, both are out of the normal range, but are still in the very good range for people with chemotherapy. Nothing alarming. I still can run and stay up late doing my blogs:)...shiiiii, I did take a nap after dinner. That  may explain why I am so awake now.

Oh, the dinner! That was awesome. Thank you Kathy DeShaw for the wonderful dinner. I think my kids wish they were adopted by her now. I had three servings myself!! I still don't know if I deserve such a treat:). I am eating more than ever now, a lot of vitamins and healthy food to boost my immune system. Fight goes on!

Words of Encouragement - Thank you my friends!

Flowers, cards and even video messages showed up from my team and coworkers. They are just simply wonderful!!! I showed up at work today to see everyone wearing pink ribbons. I feel the power not just for me to beat this cancer, but to bring the awareness of this desase so more women (and men) can have an earlier detection and treatment! I guess, I am in cancer research now!

Decisions are made

My 2nd trip to Mayo Clinic started on Tuesday, July 10th. It was only one day appointment to meet a General Surgery, Oncologist and possibly plastic surgery. Bert and I packed 5 days clothes hoping we may get our surgery in. I can't wait to remove this tumor. It scares and bothers me!
My schedule was full, from 8 am to 4 pm, I was running non-stop with different nurses and doctors. We also had more ultrasound and blood tests. I learned more and more about the biology of my tumor. Besides its triple negative nature, it is also a fast growing one characterized by grade III and Ki-67 marker of more than 95%. Although my tumor is still considered small, 1.7cm, because its fast growing nature and triple negative, doctors are concerned that it may spreading fast.
So far all tests including head to toe bone scan, cat scan, breast MRI, lymph nodes ultrasound and biopsy, indicate that the tumor has not gone any where yet. This is not to say that micro/undetectable cells do not exist elsewhere in my body. Because cancer in the breast do not kill people but breast cancer found else in the body, especially in brain, bones and livers will be deadly, doctors have decided that the best course of action for me to have chemo first to kill all the micro and possible the main tumor in my body before surgery. This way, they can monitor if the chemo is the right one for my tumor by scans and biopsy. I volunteered to participate a clinical trail at Mayo Clinic where they will monitor my tumor closely with Molecular Breast Imaging and biopsy. They will also implant my tumor into mice and do new drug study. I may not benefit for the result of this study because the result will not be available for a while, however, I hope I can help to advance cancer research and help other sisters for a cure! This makes me very excited. As a benefit, I get free scans and monitors from the experts. The chemo process will take about 20 weeks before they can take the tumor out. It is a little scary to have the tumor in me for so long. As Toby put it, we are killing the soldiers first with chemical weapon while keeping the headquarter in capitative. We then send the artillary to destroy the headquarter.
My first chemo started on Friday July 13. Everything went well.

It is hard to tell your friends..

It has been more than 3 weeks since I found a lump on my breast and 2 weeks since I was told that I have Triple Negative Invasive Dutal Carcinoma, Grade 3. The new came on Friday, June 29th. I had no where to go to seek info or help but the Internet. Unfortunately, the Internet is full of negative news about Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I felt I was given a death sentence.

I found myself learning so much about cancer, specifically triple negative cancer within a short period time. However, things still puzzled me. In desperation, I picked up the phone and called Mayo Clinic. Luckily, I got an appointment on July 6th. What I thought was just 90 minutes appointment turned into more tests and day to stay at Mayo Clinic. I was so impressed with Dr. Stan and Mayo Clinic that the thought of seeking treatment at Mayo seeded in my mind.

So the journey began.

Right before I took my second trip to Mayo, I decided to tell my research group at work about the news. I rounded up the group in the conference room and told everyone as much as I knew. I thought it went very well with my cheerful and positive attitude. However, it was not possible to tell everyone I work wtih. I sat down in front of my computer on that same eveninIg to write my email. To my surprise, it was one of the hardest thing to do. It literally took me more than an hour to write the follow message.

Subject: An unwanted visitor

"Waking up one day, I found out that I have an unwanted visitor. His name is Breast Cancer. He thought he could just come and stay quietly with me. He was wrong. He got caught. He thought I am friendly, but what he did not know is that I am a tough fighter.

I have knowledge and advanced medical technology on my side. I have God look over me. I have friends and family love and support me. He can only cause some temporary inconvenience to my life. In no time, I will be the winner over this war. He has no chance with me!

Fight with me, my friends. I am determined to win! Do not feel sorry for me as I am not a victim, but a winner to be. If I am not here doing my job, I am out there in the battle field. Say a prayer quietly for me as I will be back in no time."

I was overwhelmed with supports.

God gave me a signal

I believe it was June 20 when I was in bed reviewing my day in my head. I suddenly remembered that I forget to pray for the wife of a coworker who was going to have a biopsy because she had abnormal mammogram. After praying for her, I realized that I have not done a self breast exam for a long time. To my surprise,  I found a lump immediately. It was a size of nickel.
I visited my doctor the next day. She confirmed it and sent me to mammogram and ultrasound. Both these techniques confirmed the lump. The radiologist said it could be a cyst and suggested do a needle aspiration. Two days later, I had my ultrasound guided procedure. To the doctor's surprise, the lump was not liquid cyst. It was solid. A core biopsy was immediately performed. A day later on June 29, I got a phone call from my personal doctor telling me I have an Invasive Dutal Carcinoma Grade III.
She did not know what grade III mean. That sent me to the internet. Grade III means that I have a fast growing tumor. My doctor referred me to see a general surgery on Monday July 2.
It was a very long weekend. I glued to the internet.
.