It is a journey, not a moment.

Looking back my blog, I have said many times in different ways indicating I am done!! Guess what. I am not done. I finally realized and accepted that this is a journey. No matter what it takes, I am determined to win! My implants failed on me. 6 months after I had them, I started to experiencing sharp pains on my left breast. I ignored it thinking I might get sensation back or nerve regrowth. The situation got worse over time. Occasional sharp pains became constant squeezing pain. My curiosity brought my fingers to internet. After some searching, I started to wonder if I developed a condition called capsule contracture. I managed my pain by taking ibuprofen daily. I had to skip some follow up appointments at mayo because of the hash winter we had. Long story short, 10 months after my implants were put in, I saw my plastic surgeon at Mayo Clinic. He confirmed what I had feared. Yes, I had grade 3 capsule contracrure on my left breast and grade 1 on my right. I was offered two options: 1. take these implants out and put new ones in. Chances are that the new one may or may not develop the same problem or 2. take these implants out and use my own body tissue to rebuild breasts (the DIEP procedure I had mentioned in my earlier posts). As eager as I want to get this over, I realized that God has different plans. After many discussions and consultations, I realized that DIEP is the way to go because that will be permanent and my body would not reject my own tissues. Of course, the price I must pay is lengthy surgeries. Yes, mulitple surgeries. It is easy to say after double masectomies that "You are cancer free", "You have kicked cancer's ass", "you are a winner". But it takes a long time to feel normal or like a winner. Worthy it? Yes, absolutely!!! I can't let cancer win. Cancer took some part of my body away. I am fighting to get all back. I want to live healthier and happier than ever. Here is me 1 week after DIEP procedure. My surgery was nearly 10 hours long. They took fat from my tummy and transfer them to my breasts. It requires microsurgery to connect the blood vessels. 12 hours after I woke up from the surgery, they found out that one of the vessel had a blockage. I was sent back to surgery again for anothe 4 hours operations. I was then restricted movement and developed partial lung collapse. It took a longer time for me to recover. Thanks for the care of my dear husband, I bonced back quickly. Doctor said I would need at least 6 weeks to recover. It took me three weeks to back to work part time. Life has been great since. Two more outpatience surgeries will be needed to get minor fix. Every day, I thank God for giving me the strength to fight, for giving me the supports from family and friends, and most of all, for giving me a new life I fully enjoy and treasure!

Almost done!

I can't believe it has been more than 4 months since I last posted. A lot of things happened during this time. I don't know where even to start. However, all in all, I feel that I have been back to normal. Busy work and family life make me forget about cancer. First of all, I had finished my tissue expansion. I just had a surgery to replace them with permanent implants on July 31. Believe it or not, it was actually a harder surgery emotionally for me. When you are sick, like having cancer, you are not afraid of surgery like double masectomy, for example. You just went ahead and did it without any questions. Now, I feel so normal. I forgot I had cancer. yet, I have to have another surgery. It almost sounds like elective, but I can't have the tissue expanders in forever because they are not designed that way. The type of surgery is also a sounds like a choice. I could have DIEP procedure where the doctor will using microsurgical technique to transfer the fat in my tummy into my breasts to make breasts completely with my own body tissues. It is procedure that can last for life time. However the procedure itself is complicated. It takes from anywhere 10 to 13 hours long. The recovery takes about 4-6 weeks or longer. Breast implant, on the other hand, is a simpler procedure, typically 2-3 hours of operation and 1-2 weeks of recovery. However the implant is not permanent. It can rupture or leak. It can have infections because it is a foreign body. Some people also develop hard scar tissues around implants that require more surgeries. It was a hard choice. In the end, I chosed implants. Part is because my plastic surgery who is specialized in DIEP procedure had an accident on July 4th weekend and is on medical leave for 3-4 months - God, I pray he did not hurt his hands or brain! He is a talented surgeon and I really wish him well. Other reasons are simpler. I just want to get this over with. So taking the route of implant suits me well now. If I wanted to, I could always get back to DIEP procedures as long as I save the fat on my tummy - I have plenty of these! My local plastic surgeon needs some fat tissue for the implants as well. Because I still consider the future possibility of DIEP procedure, we had to use other area for the fat tissues. I chose the inside of my legs where I had more fat than other areas beside tummy. What a mistake!! Liposuction really sucks. Now one week later, I could have gone back to work, except my legs hurts so much. They are so purple and blue too. I also did eyelid surgery to improve my field of vision at the same time. Recovery on both my breasts and eyes are great. In a few days, I hope my life is back to be normal again!

Back to Normal Life

Two months passed by and I have not posted a thing! I have no excuses. I went back to work on Jan. 14th. I am back to a normal life! Suddenly, I feel I have nothing to write anymore. I simply took a leave from posting so I can re-adjust to my normal life again.

There are many signs of backing to normal. First of all, my hair started to grow back. I call it frosting black color. It is short and grows too slow to my desire. However, I got many complements. I think I may as well keep a short cut from now on.

Another sign of back to normal is to have my "boobs" back. Although I still need to have final surgery to have the final implants, having this temporary form of boobs makes me feel normal again. I don't think anyone cares, but my self conscience is quite satisfied with what I have now.

Other invisible signs of normalcy are hard to describe. For example, I have been fully immersed into my job at work. I fully caught up with everyone's projects at work. I fully engaged to the level I was before I was diagnosed. In my normal day, I don't think about cancer anymore.

I am working on back on running again. I feel that I am physically ready. However, I need more self discipline in order to find time to run. Bad weather or no time or rather taking a nap are just a few of the excuses. Bert had signed us up some 5k's. I hope that will give me the motivation to run again.

I would like to say thank you for those who have been caring, praying and thinking of my in the past 8 months. I promise that I will write more often again.

By the way, Piston is doing well. He is total getting used to us. However, when Toby and Joshua come home this week, he started to hide again. Maybe their voices remind him the terrible car ride he had. Next Tuesday he will get "fixed". Pray for him!

A story of a cat

On December 28 after Bert and I had our surgerical follow up appointment when we were told the official pathological results showed no cancer cell was found in any of the tissues or nodes removed, we heard and spot a grey color cat in Mayo Clinic parking garage. The cat was too scared to let us near it. After some failed attempt, we lost the sight and sound of it. We gave up and got on the road disappointedly.

We went back to our hotel to pack and load the car. It was a cold and snowy day. We started our trip cautiously with slow driving and frequent stops. 10 hours after we left the Mayo parking garage and 250 miles later, we stopped at a gas station near Chicago. As soon as Joshua opened the car door, we heard a faint cat meowing again! Bert and I thought we hear things. We called Joshua in and all sat quietly to listen. Long be hold, we all heard a cat meowing right outside of our car. With no cat to be seen anywhere in the gas station, Bert opened the hood of car just to make sure. Guess what he found! The same grey cat was sitting right underneath the engine!

It took us more than 30 minutes to get the cat out of there. Some passbyers told us to call 999 but then we were told they would just kill the cat. Toby finally got it out with some ham and cheese. It turned out to be a very cuddling cat. For the rest of the trip, both Toby and Joshua held it in turn. The cat was scared, but content.

As soon as we got home, he got scared again when Toby accidentially closed the garage door. The cat jumped off Joshua's arms unexpectedly and ran into the darkness of outside. We spent quite some time searching it but no success.

I posted its photos and message to our neighborhood facebook page hoping some would see it....

Two days later, one of our neighbors told us that the cat was in their garage. Unfortunately, it was still too scared to be coaxed out. It went hiding again under the car. The next day we had to let it out of the garage into the wood.

Another two days passed. Another neighbor told us that the cat was on their front porch. We tried again to get it, but failed again.

I prayed it would stay in the neighborhood. I prayed it would keep itself warm at night. I prayed it would come back to us. My prayer was answered on the 9th day when my cat Ali started to hiss at the door. Bert went to check and saw the grey cat right in front of our door. We started to give him food. With patience, we finally got him into the cat carrier and brought it inside.

He has been inside for two days. What a delightful cat!! It loves the dog. We first thought it is Russian Blue, but after I read the description of Russian Blue and Korat, I think it is a Korat which has amber color eyes and heart shaped face. In Thailand where the Korat originally came from, people consider Korat a symbol of good luck. My kids name it "Piston" for it has been in the car engine. I wish to name it "Survivor" - a good lucky symbol of my cancer free diagnoses and its luck to survived the car ride. I now pray it has no micro chip so we can call this cat ours. I think it is a girl:).

Feel like a SURVIVOR!

I can't believe it has been more than 2 weeks since my surgery! I can't say I am having fun, but time surely flies. The first week went by very fast since the whole family was staying in the hotel. We were lucky to find a hotel that has kitchennette, pool and pet friendly. It did not cost us an arm and leg either. Kids stayed in one suite with two queen size beds and a softa bed. Bert and I stayed in a different suite. Like Bert had described, I was so thankful to have that recliner. I think ther reason why we felt time flew by so fast is because, each day, I was making progress on recovery which made us feel like we had lept in time. Before we knew it, the week was over!

I am so thankful to have my family with me. My older kids gave up their time with their friends (especially girl friends) to spend time with Mom and take care of their younger sisters. My younger girls, though they did not fully understand the meaning of the trip, did not have any complaints. They loved to spend time with their brothers. Bert did everything for me. Without his unconditional love, I don't know if I could have survived anything!

I am also thankful to my relatives, friends and coworkers. Although they were not physically with me, I felt their presence all the time. Their prayers have been answered by God. I am cancer free! I am a survivor! I survived the initial diagnosis; I survived telling my family and friends that I had cancer; I survived 5 months of chemo; I survived more than 20 trips to Mayo Clinic; I survived the loss of my hair; I survived the surgery!

I know the road ahead of me will still be rocky for a while as I continue to recovery and go through the process of breast reconstruction. I keep telling myself that good thing does not come over night. It takes patience. It will be a good test of my patience for sure.

However, for now, I am celebrating my life as a survivor!

After the surgery

 Today is the third day after surgery. Sue is still sleeping. She spent one day in the hospital and was released on Christmas day. All is well considering the kind of surgery she had. She is walking a few times a day and seems to be feeling well most of the time as long as we make sure she stays on top with her pain medicine. It is hard for her to deal with the fact, that there are many little things she can’t do and has to ask for help. For example, she cannot raise her arms above her head – even if she wanted to. At this time it makes even drinking a little difficult, putting a jacket on is not possible without help.

We learned that is often the little things in live which make a huge difference. Trying to sleep on a regular bed is impossible. We did not realize this until we were back in the hotel. The hospital beds are so versatile and can be adjusted, but not the bed in the hotel. However, we have been very luck that the hotel room had a Lazy Boy reclining chair (I think Sue has a special Guardian Angel assigned to her – and she deserves it).  Without that chair we would have been in trouble. Sue sleeps in it and it serves her very well.

Right now it is early morning and I will try to wake up everybody very soon. Today I am trying to take Sue out. It may need the help of a wheel chair, but I think it is good to keep her moving. Let’s see what we can do.  It needs to be an inside activity since the temperature have fallen to 1° F or below at night and during the day we barely reach 17° F. 

It is great to have the whole family here. We love to stay together even so we are mostly confined to the hotel. The boys have been very helpful all the way and the girls are doing very well too. Even Rex has been with us all the time. He is a great therapy dog. He is very careful around Sue and enjoys being around us at all times. This was a different Christmas compared to all the other years but I truly believe we had the best Christmas gift ever.

Bert

The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?  Psalm 27

Recovery

Sue is still in recovery but we got the news  from the doctor and the prognosis is as good as we hoped for. We will need to wait another 1 to 2 weeks to get final and absolute conformation. But it looks like she had full pathological recovery. That means the cancer is gone, vanished - not there anymore. All in all this provides a great outlook for the future.

I am so thankful for this. This is the best Christmas gift ever. Lets be humble and praise to Lord for his love that he shows us every day.

She should be back with the family by tomorrow night.

Merry Christmas - may the Lord send his grace to all of you and your families.

This morning Sue wanted me to take pictures-  I didn’t! Some days are better kept in the memories without pictures. Memories tend to get better as time goes by. However, I will never forget this afternoon and how much it meant to me. All the last 6 month I never had a doubt that it would end well. I don’t know why, but I am at peace with all of it. I trust that all will be well. But when the doctor called I lost my voice and and had tears of joy in my eyes. It was as if everything I hoped for came finally true. I wrote a number of emails and tried to share my joy with as many people as possible. The kids are excited too. The boys are really relieved and happy. The girls are still trying to understand.

Merry Christmas to all of you.

Bert

And yes, I made sure that I got enough coffee this afternoon. I wonder what her first worry ill be when she wakes up?